Anxiety

My nerves tighten, everything is amplified. Wait wait wait.... 

Travel down this dark wood and engrave every move into your head. 

Nothing is the same. 

Everything is changing.

How will I find my way back.?

The anxiety builds until, finally, everything that is being felt, escapes into the air around. Something warm takes over while the erotic rhythm takes over the souls of everyone. 

We dance for expression. 

We dance for experience. 

We dance for our lives. 

The beast flows through us and controls our every move. 

Moving keeps the energy alive. 

Without it there is nothing. 

Our energy is fed to everyone around.

While the animals feed, nourishment is digested through glasses of gin or whiskey. 

They keep us alive.

Bodies embrace. 

And who knows what will come next. 

Minds race and souls dance wildly, without hesitation. 

Natural State

Societal influences have trapped the human race in an unfamiliar state, surrounded by walls, windows, barricades,  that seem to keep us from living in our natural state. The state in mind, body, and soul, where there are no limits to what we do. Where we are able to run free through fields of wild grass and climb trees to which ever limb we choose... A state where harm isn't what keeps us from leaping completely clothed, into an unfamiliar river or diving open armed into the torso of someone we just met. 

Yet exaggerated fears of sickness, cuts, bruises, or broken hearts, keep us chained to the ground. 

Why can't anyone fly free anymore. What happened to wanting to live?

Michigan: Land of Peace

Today I was outside smoking a cigarette, when a gust of wind blew, I thought back to one day this summer in Michigan and was happy to remember everything that I felt then. 

To be "at peace" is a saying that can be interpreted in a variety of ways. for me, today was the epitome of my definition, to be "at peace". 

The clear glass was not enough for me to be fully engulfed by the fire like glow of the sun. Instead of allowing light to illuminate the room and warm my face, the glass door became a nuisance. 

I felt trapped, even annoyed by the lack of blinds in the room. you would think that sun filling a room would create the desire to join the dancing rays, but instead, I had been sitting with my family, paralyzed by the changing screen of the television.

As the desire for blinds crossed my mind, I came to my senses and decided to break my barrier and give into the cry for attention the sun was so rudely tugging at me with. I stepped out the door; the chilled air was more refreshing than expected, even welcoming. 

My warn feet were cushioned by the once scolding sand, which now created a comfortable mold with my every move. My senses heightened, allowing me to pinpoint every little detail within my surrounding environment. From the whisper-like-whistle of the grass reeds anchored down in the dunes, to the smell of beautiful blue fresh water tossed around by the playful wind. 

I collapsed in the beauty engulfing my very being and filled my mind, body, and soul, with nothing but the simplicity of life before my very eyes. 

Why couldn't everyday be as memorable as this? 

Blind

Hesitation runs through my limbs. The shaking begins, first in my hands, like someone else is controlling my every move, then in my arms, then my entire body. The infamous butterflies are let loose in my gut.  To try and fight them off is to start a war with myself. The nerves are unbearable. My only option is to change. Hiding behind my morals is what should be done but instead, I dive head first into the pool that holds my desires... A mask of some other being disguises my insecurities, and guides strangers through mazes. With a soft pleasurable hand, this being leads acquaintances down alleys, through tunnels, and wrong turns. In order to escape the light which may allow others to see the heart that is kept chained inside this masked being. 

Distraction is the game that is played. Keep them looking in other directions, then attack. Pretend to love them and they will forever love me. Keep them happy and I will be kept happy. This mask has left me blind. Blind to what I see. Blind to what I feel. Blind to what I do. 

I wish we could say we are all blind, we are all wandering without aim, searching for nothing, yet hoping for everything but that's not the case. 

Puzzle Pieces That Don't Fit

the curves of 

a significant other, 

always seem to fit 

delicately

like a puzzle piece.... 

but it never lasts.

the false feelings of love, 

comfort, 

passion, 

happiness, 

all 

fall

to 

the

ground 

as the bodies slowly 

peal themselves apart, 

till morning

when both people wake up

on the opposite sides of the bed. 

the dreams that seemed so real 

while the eyes were resting, 

have come to an abrupt halt. 

they wake to reality 

and a sigh of regret. 

Being Ready Is My Choice

I sense myself wanting to call him back, prove to him that I understand what is wrong... to get him to want it as much as I do. But there is no reason for it, it would all be lies.. He is right, I need to get a hold of myself, make myself happy before anything can work. 

I have come to the conclusion that I need help, I need to be able to share what I am feeling and not be afraid of breaking every once in a while. I cant turn to drinking anymore because that will kill me faster than I am killing myself now. My soul, my thoughts, my being in its self is dying because I am not able to face the fact that I am not happy at this stage in my life. I am stuck. I have been stuck in the same phase for the past 18 years of my life. I used to think that if I busied myself with other peoples' problems then I would be able to continue straying away from mine. I now know thats not what is needed. Everyday of my life I have been digging a hole deeper and deeper hoping to one day cover up all that is myself. But it has gotten me no where. Instead, what I should be doing is climbing, somewhere, anywhere than where I am now.

My habits of drinking excessively, I thought, were to get wild, live life to the fullest, and have fun; I found that completely wrong. Feeling is something that I have been trying to avoid. The only thing that I have felt in the past 7 months is the smooth warm taste of sour unbearable fermented gin, gliding down my throat and into my gut. Slowly but surely I lose control of my body and mind, allowing my fellow drunkees around me to influence my every move. All I want to do is please them, help them with whatever exaggerated problems arise and stray away from the dancing thoughts coming and going every second. 

I need to STOP!

Rid myself from the walls that I put in front, to the sides, and even behind me, closing me in and keeping everything that could possibly harm me out. But I have only allowed a war to begin with myself. I fight myself everyday... my mind thinks one thing, my heart feels another, my body does something completely different. 

I am ready to hold up a white flag, happy to give in, and even ready to escape this room and see what is out there for me to enjoy.