Being Ready Is My Choice

I sense myself wanting to call him back, prove to him that I understand what is wrong... to get him to want it as much as I do. But there is no reason for it, it would all be lies.. He is right, I need to get a hold of myself, make myself happy before anything can work. 

I have come to the conclusion that I need help, I need to be able to share what I am feeling and not be afraid of breaking every once in a while. I cant turn to drinking anymore because that will kill me faster than I am killing myself now. My soul, my thoughts, my being in its self is dying because I am not able to face the fact that I am not happy at this stage in my life. I am stuck. I have been stuck in the same phase for the past 18 years of my life. I used to think that if I busied myself with other peoples' problems then I would be able to continue straying away from mine. I now know thats not what is needed. Everyday of my life I have been digging a hole deeper and deeper hoping to one day cover up all that is myself. But it has gotten me no where. Instead, what I should be doing is climbing, somewhere, anywhere than where I am now.

My habits of drinking excessively, I thought, were to get wild, live life to the fullest, and have fun; I found that completely wrong. Feeling is something that I have been trying to avoid. The only thing that I have felt in the past 7 months is the smooth warm taste of sour unbearable fermented gin, gliding down my throat and into my gut. Slowly but surely I lose control of my body and mind, allowing my fellow drunkees around me to influence my every move. All I want to do is please them, help them with whatever exaggerated problems arise and stray away from the dancing thoughts coming and going every second. 

I need to STOP!

Rid myself from the walls that I put in front, to the sides, and even behind me, closing me in and keeping everything that could possibly harm me out. But I have only allowed a war to begin with myself. I fight myself everyday... my mind thinks one thing, my heart feels another, my body does something completely different. 

I am ready to hold up a white flag, happy to give in, and even ready to escape this room and see what is out there for me to enjoy.